Separation anxiety is a normal part of a child’s development, and a beautiful sign of a secure attachment, however it can often leave us feeling as though we are “doing something wrong” as parents! It can be unsettling and heart breaking to walk away from our children when they are so upset.
We tend to see peaks in separation anxiety around 8-10 months and again around 15-18 months.
What is Separation Anxiety?
It occurs when your little ones starts to understand that things or people continue to exist, even when they are not in sight. This is known as object permanence. Your child starts to put together that if their favourite human is not with them, they must be elsewhere and they panic because they don’t know that you will be back.
Signs of Separation anxiety:
- Increased clinginess, some may display parent preference.
- Crying when you put your little one down and leave the room.
- Increased protest when put to bed.
- They may become nervous, fussy and clingy when around less familiar people.
- New night wakings.
Now that we have addressed that separation anxiety is indeed NORMAL and you know what to expect, let’s cover how to ease it.
Nine Ways to Ease Separation Anxiety:
1) Play lots of peek a boo! This is a low pressure and fun way for your little one to realize that people and things exist even when they can’t see them.
2) Allow your little one to develop independence through independent play, or exploring safe areas of the house independently and working on independent sleep skills (need support- see here for how I can help!)
3) Establish a “good-bye” routine. Similar to bedtime, having predictable steps in place can help prepare your little on for the separation and they will gain more confidence over time if they know. It could be a certain number of kisses or hugs, a key phrase and a clear indication of when you will return.
4) Prepare yourself emotionally. By being prepared you will be able to stay calm, confident and assertive (even if you are feeling your heart break). Remind yourself this is a normal phase as your little one is developing both cognitively and emotionally. PLUS it is evidence of a healthy attachment!
5) Practice and start small. Start with someone your child is familiar with (ex: grandparent) and leave for short amounts of time. Example: “Mommy is stepping out to grab some milk, I will be back after your story time with grandma. I love you!”. As your child (and you) build up the confidence then you can leave for longer periods of time!
6) Don’t sneak out. Many parents ask “but couldn’t I just sneak away??” You could, but I don’t recommend it. It is important for your little one to understand that you leave sometimes AND you come back when you say you will.
7) Bridge a connection with home. If you are dropping your little one off somewhere (for example daycare) bring your little one’s favourite lovey. Discuss with the caregiver some strategies to help decrease that separation anxiety for your little one and support them with loving comfort. This could be through cuddles, reassurance, validation and distractions (such as toys, games or friends).
8) Have a strong and connected reunion, whether it is in the morning after the night or when you come back from an outing. Plan for some quality 1:1 time with your little one with lots of cuddles.
9) Maintain a consistent response and have a plan for bedtime protest and overnight wakings. Again, remain calm, assertive and loving. You can provide extra reassurance and some support but consistency in your response will be helpful in the long run. Focus on continuing to allow your child to fall asleep in their sleep space.
All children will experience separation anxiety, with some being more sensitive to it than others. By supporting your little one with the tips provided, you will be able to lessen and ease the separation anxiety they are experiencing.
This phase can really rock a child’s sleep. Should you find yourself struggling to get your child back on track, book a call with me here so we can discuss how I can best support you to reach your sleep goals!